When a pastor considers a move to a new church setting or any leader considers a new job, he or she should do whatever is possible to define reality. As Max Dupree, leadership guru and writer said, “The first job of a leader is to define reality.”
When I’ve considered a new ministry change, I’ve sought answers to key questions. And over the years I’ve compiled this list of 27 questions (actually 30) to ask a search committee and/or your future boss. If you’re moving into a non-ministry setting, you’ll want to tailor your questions to your unique setting.
- Why me? What about me interested your committee?
- What stories of God’s moving do people still tell?
- What’s not going well that needs changing or needs to go?
- What are the burning issues?
- What are the biggest obstacles facing the church?
- What’s missing?
- What significant events, both successes and traumas, have marked your church’s history?
- How has your church responded to traumas and crises?
- How would your community describe the church?
- What do you most hope that I will do?
- What are you most concerned I might do?
- What are the major obstacles I will face?
- What ministries are struggling? Which ones are shining?
- What will be deemed a success under my leadership?
- How do you see the church in 1, 3, 5 years? What kind of growth do you expect?
- Describe how you see our working relationship?
- What should I focus on? What should be my priorities?
- How is the current staff moral?
- What is your expectation for my spouse?
- What were the previous pastor’s strengths and weaknesses?
- How was his or her relationship with the staff and board?
- What do you wish he had done differently?
- What problems seem to recur in your church?
- Does the church have any deep, dark secrets?
- Have any sins persisted in the staff or leadership?
- How would you describe the church’s tolerance for change?
- What has caused recent people to leave?
What questions would you add to this list?
God made us to be in relationship with each other. We were made for community and we all want good friends. But what do good friends look like? What do they do or not do? In the most intimate of the 13 letters the Apostle Paul wrote that help form the New Testament, Philippians, we see a portrait of what to look for in a friend. Consider these 5 behaviors that a good friend will consistently live out and ask yourself if you model them as a friend yourself.
In Philippians 1.3-11, Paul gives us this template for what good friends do. A good friend will…
- Remember the best in you (v. 3).
- When Paul prayed for his friends in the church in the city of Philippi, his thoughts of them brought him great joy. He chose to focus on their good qualities, rather than upon their limitations and weaknesses. He remembered their best.
- What emotions and thoughts rise up in the minds of others when they think of you…joy, happiness, and peace or fear, worry, and anxiety?
- Give their best to you (v. 5, 7).
- He said that he had them in his heart. He fully gave himself to them by giving them the deepest thing about himself, his heart. He used the word koinonia, which means deep partnership, as he described their strong, intimate relationship. Paul was not a relationship skimmer. Rather he gave himself fully to these special friends.
- How would others describe you? A relationship skimmer or one who is willing to risk and go deep in friendships?
- Encourage the best in you (v. 6).
- He was confident that God would finish the work that He had begun in them. He emphasized that truth and sought to bring out their best. Good friends will bring out your best. Liz Wizeman who studied 150 leaders and wrote Multipliers: How the Best Leaders Make Everyone Smarter discovered that there are two kinds of leaders: multipliers and diminishers. Multipliers bring out the best in others by amplifying their strengths, encouraging them, and empowering them. Diminishers do the opposite. They drain you by having all the answers, micro-managing, and being self focused. Good friends will always seek to be a multiplier in your life.
- How would others describe you: as a multiplier or a diminisher?
- Pray the best for you (v. 9).
- Paul fervently prayed for his friends. He prayed that they would love Jesus and others more, would learn more about God, and would live out the truths of God’s Word in their conduct and character. Good friends will pray that those three things will become reality in their friends.
- When you last prayed for your friends, what did you pray for them about?
- Expect the best from you (v. 10-11).
- Good friends will hold you accountable. They will tell you what you may not want to hear because they will expect the best from you. They won’t let you settle for what is just ‘good.’ They will challenge you to do and be your best.
- What friend in your life holds you accountable? Do you have a friend that knows you will expect the best from him or her?
Good friends are rare. But when God gives them to us, they are worth their weight in gold.
What question above most resonated with you? Is the Holy Spirit prompting you to become a better friend?
Conflict is unavoidable in relationships. Conflict isn’t necessarily sinful or destructive, but it can be depending on what we do with it. Jesus outlines a clear, specific, and workable process in Matthew 18. And, we simply can’t improve on what Jesus says. I’ve summarized into a 6-step process the essence of what I believe Matthew 18 teaches us.
Before I suggest these steps, here’s the actual passage of Scripture.
Matt. 18.15 “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. 18 “I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. 19 “Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.” (NIV)
- Determine if you really need to approach the person about the issue.
- In verse 15 Jesus says, “If your brother sins against you.” In other words, we simply should drop some issues. If we can pray through them and commit to not using them against the other person, drop it.
- But if you can’t, what might warrant taking the next step?
- Go if the issue is seriously dishonoring Christ.
- Go if the issue is damaging your relationship with the other person.
- Go if the issue is hurting others.
- If you do, go with the right heart and attitude.
- In verse 15 the Scripture says, “If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.” The win here is that the relationship stays intact, not necessarily that you reach a resolution, even though you hope you do find one. Ultimately the goal is not to win an argument or point out the error of the other person’s ways, but to reconcile. It takes a right heart to help make this happen. In this post I outline 5 ways to prepare your heart.
- Prepare for your meeting with the person before you go. Do your homework.
- Assuming that you’ve arranged a meeting with the person, don’t go in blind. Give some thought to what you want to say. Proverbs 14.8 tells us that, The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways.
- I’ve found that the acronym, DESC, provides easily recallable mental hooks to guide such a conversation.
- Describe the behavior that caused the conflict.
- Explain the emotions you feel/felt when it happens.
- State the desired changed behavior (the solution).
- state the Positive consequences the new behavior will bring.
- Go in private and in person.
- We often miss this step yet Jesus is very clear on this when he states, “just between the two of you.” By going to the other person first it avoids prematurely pulling somebody else into the issue and stops potential gossip. Plus, a face-to-face meeting allows us to observe body language which experts say accounts for much more of a message than words alone.
- However, sometimes it may be wise to seek counsel from an objective party so he or she can give us objective advice.
- When you meet, use grace-filled words.
- If in our conversation with this person we put them on the defensive, the meeting’s over. Grace-filled conversation, however, can create safety and openness to resolving the issue. A great verse that speaks to this is Ephesians 4.29.
- Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
- If you reach a dead-end and feel the issue warrants it, enlist others to help.
- Sometimes the issue is so serious that even after repeated 1-1 attempts to reconcile we must take the next step. In verse 16 Jesus says if we reach a stalemate, we must include others in the process. Often the leadership in the church should be included at this point. And then if the other party simply refuses to budge, the church must take more severe action (v. 17). Seldom do issues warrant such a drastic step. Yet, God sanctions such action for the sake of the unity in the church (vss. 19-19).
What steps would you add to this list that have helped you resolve conflict?
From time to time every leader and pastor faces burnout. The well runs dry. He or she becomes weary in well doing. He runs out of gas. She simply has nothing left to give. When we totter on the precipice of burnout, what can we do? As I’ve faced those times during my ministry, I’ve learned a few ways that have helped me dig out.
- Recognize the symptoms
- Everybody’s burnout looks a bit different. Sometimes burnout comes from doing too much outwardly with over busy schedules. Sometimes burnout comes from an inner world in turmoil: worry, incessant anxiety, and fear. I suggest starting with self understanding. What does your burnout look like? Which of these factors might indicate you are burning out?
- The joy you once had seems to have disappeared. You seldom have fun anymore.
- You consistently sleep poorly.
- You feel non-localized, free floating anger in your heart.
- You catastrophize in your thinking, assuming the worse in people and life.
- You easily snap, lose your cool with friends, families, or people in the church.
- After you recognize the symptoms, I’ve found that rest really helps. Whether it means taking time off, taking more breaks during your work day, getting more sleep, or trimming your schedule, the body and soul needs rest. Neuroscientists have coined a term for excessive wear and tear on our body due to prolonged stress and burnout, allostatic load. When we don’t give our body and brains time to rejuvenate, we prolong our burnout and its negative effects.
- Third, revisit your core values and mission. I encourage every leader to develop his or her own mission statement, their mission God has called them to achieve with His power. Most weeks when I do my strategic planning, I revisit my mission statement and personal values. If you’d like to see mine, you can click here. In this post I talk about the importance of developing your own personal values.
- The final step is to re-orient your time and effort to best live out your personal mission, without burning out. I suggest taking a half day alone to reset your goals and adjust how you use your time. Here’s a post on how to plan a retreat.
If you’ve faced burnout, what has helped you?
I’ve served over 33 years in different churches in various roles and have make lots of mistakes. I didn’t make these mistakes with ill will or with an evil heart, and neither do most pastors. However, we make them, and sometimes they are, well, just dumb. Here are some of the dumbest mistakes I’ve made.
- Assuming everybody understands what I meant.
- Just because people remain silent when I share my idea does not mean that they get it or agree with it. I’ve learned the hard way that I must pry feelings from those who don’t speak up when I share a new initiative. Otherwise, their concerns will show up later and probably surprise me.
- Getting defensive when somebody didn’t buy into my plan.
- Sometimes I’ve unintentionally conveyed to others that every aspect of the church vision must start with me. And if it’s not my idea, if must not be from God. Perhaps in the Old World top down command and control style of leadership that thinking worked. It doesn’t in today’s environment.
- Believing that my position as pastor automatically elicited trust from the church.
- Positional leadership does not guarantee trust from potential followers. I’ve learned that church people only give a certain level of trust in leaders, often low at first. And most likely the trust they have extended to spiritual leaders has taken a hit in the past. I’ve learned that I must go the extra mile to build trust with those in the church. I suggest 10 ways leaders build trust here.
- Not communicating enough.
- I’ve heard mega-church pastors Rick Warren say that because vision leaks, he revisits the church vision every 30 days. He’s right. We must continually communicate not only the vision, but others important issues in the church as well. We almost can’t over-communiate.
- Thinking everybody will love, remember, and apply my really great, God anointed, exegetically sound sermons.
- I used to think that a well crafted sermon I spent 25 hours preparing would light up the hearts and minds of those who were in church that day. Unfortunately, the mind can only absorb so much and if those who listen to my sermons get and apply one insight, they are doing well. I’ve sense tried to find ways to make a few cogent points really stick through brain based communication insight. You can read my blog here about brain based preaching.
- Failing to realize the concept of “uninformed optimism.”
- The bell curve of change tells us that initially those in a church tend to be excited about a positive new idea or initiative. It’s called uninformed optimism. In the listeners’ minds the idea initially seems really great. However, that optimism often only lasts until they realize what the change may cost them (inconvenience, more money, etc.) That new phase is called informed pessimism. I’ve since learned to prepare myself for some eventual pushback when the realities of the change finally set in. Tempering my expectation has helped me manage my disappointment when the resistance comes.
What dumb and dumber mistakes have you seen other leaders make?