Shame is a powerful and often silent killer of our soul. It has afflicted many pastors and ministry leaders. Edward Welch, author of Shame Interrupted (a great book) defines shame in this way. Shame is the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did, something done to you, or something associated with you. You feel exposed and humiliated. Or, to strengthen the language, you are disgraced because you acted less than human, you were treated as if you were less than human, or you were associated with something less than human, and there are witnesses (Kindle loc 177-180). So how do we deal with it. Here are some thoughts.
3 Ways Leaders can Deal with their Shame
- Realize where shame comes from.
- It comes from our own sin.
- It comes from sins others commit against us.
- It comes simply by association (i.e., someone in your family commited something scandalous and you feel shame because of it).
- It comes from our humanness (i.e., when we realize we don’t have what it takes to achieve our goals in life; this is often true for pastors when they realize they may never pastor a big church).
- Take comfort in God’s perspective on shame.
- He takes great interest in the shamed, forgotten, and marginalized (1 Cor. 1.26-28).
- Jesus experienced shame for us and therefore knows it intimately (Is. 53.3).
- God loves us not because of our worthiness (our perception that we have it all together) but because of His loving nature (Deut. 7.6-8).
- Make four critical decisions.
- Turn to his face in repentance. Read the amazing story of Isaiah’s encounter with God in Is. 6.1-7 for the biblical basis of my thoughts below.
- When we feel shamed, we don’t want to look someone in the face. We want to avoid them. However, Jesus wants us to come into his presence and look Him in the face to deal with our shame caused by our own sin. He wants us to confess and repent. Psalms 34.5 says, Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
- Receive his touch of forgiveness.
- Jesus often physically touched the outcast, broken, and shamed. Human touch can often melt away shame. Jesus wants us to experience his touch of forgiveness and cleansing
- Drink deeply of His Spirit.
- In John 4 we read the familiar story about the woman at the well. When Jesus asked the Samaritan woman for water, he crossed many shame barriers: rabbis did not talk to women, Jews did not talk to Samaritans, and Jews did not contaminate themselves by eating or drinking with non-Jews. He offered her life-giving water from His Spirit. God’s Holy Spirit can wash away our shame as it did for this woman.
- Feast at his table of acceptance in the church community.
- After Peter denied Jesus, he felt great shame. Yet, after Jesus’ resurrection and after Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved him, he had a meal with Peter and the other disciples which pictured his being welcomed back into community. Shame can melt away when we experience real community in the church.
Shame stings, but it need not be deadly. Although people and circumstances around us may still shame us (and it hurts), Christ can release us from its destructive power.
1Pet. 2.6 For in Scripture it says: “See, I lay a stone in Zion, a chosen and precious cornerstone, and the one who trusts in him will never be put to shame.”
What has helped people you know deal with their shame?
Dave Berry, one of the funniest guys on the planet once wrote, “If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: meetings.” I’m not sure if he’s 100% right, but he’s close. Meetings, and extended ones like retreats, often don’t achieve their intended purpose. Why? Because we make significant mistakes when we plan them. Consider these five mistakes and potential corrective measures.
Here are some dumb mistakes I’ve made when planning and holding retreats.
- Packing too much into a retreat (which have ranged from 1-3 days). I once handed out about 20 different documents for review and study.
- Talking too much. At times I’ve talked/taught so much that I left little time for thorough interaction.
- Going too long. As the adage goes, “The brain will absorb only what the rear can endure.”
- Not including R&R.
- Including other leaders too late into the planning process. In one church I asked our elders to join us after we had completed our planning. They ended up not being on the same page and the pastors felt like our retreat was a waste of time.
As I’ve grown in my retreat leading and planning, these factors have contributed to better success.
- Narrow your discussion to a fewer number of topics.
- Create a “talk about later” list of subjects that surface during the retreat.
- Hold your retreat off-site rather than at the office.
- Begin and end at a reasonable hour. Don’t wear people out.
- Do something fun like watch a movie together.
- Listen more that you talk. Remember the acronym, WAIT, which means Why Am I Talking?
What tips can you share that have helped make your retreats effective?
As a pastor, I’m constantly faced with more time demands placed upon me than I could ever possibly fulfill. As a result, I must make choices. Those demands sometimes are self-imposed (totally my choice) and sometimes they come from others. Often people in the church will ask pastors to do something that takes their time or they want to meet with them on some issue. In many cases we know deep inside that we should respond with a “No.” However, because we don’t want to disappoint, we often say, “Yes,” and later regret it. In this post I suggest 5 ways to gracefully say, “No.”
How to Gracefully Say, “No.”
- Say “No” without using the word, “No.”
- In some settings the word no itself can come across too harsh. Sometimes using other phrases like these can soften your response and yet still convey a no.
- “My schedule simply won’t permit it now. I don’t have the bandwidth. Thanks for thinking about me though.”
- “I’d love to, but right now I can’t. Can you ask me again next week (or whatever timeframe seems appropriate)?”
- “I’m sorry but it won’t work now.”
- Pause a few seconds before giving an answer to someone.
- Because we don’t want to disappoint people, we often allow our default response to be yes. To avoid this, learn to pause a few seconds before responding to someone who asks you for a commitment. That short pause will buy you some time to frame your response, whether it is a yes or a no. Pausing can also give you time to consider what you’d have to give up were you to say yes.
- Delay your response when you honestly aren’t sure how to respond.
- Sometimes the ask is a valid one and you should give more time before making a decision. In that case, tell the person that you can’t give him a decision now but that would like to check your calendar and think more about it. If it does become a no you will have created sufficient time to consider the pros and cons and then to frame a gracious no. And if a boss asks you for something that will cause you to push other important projects aside, explain the situation and your willingness to say yes. Then ask for his or her advice on how to re-prioritize your current commitments so that you can follow through on your yes.
- Ask them to email you with their request.
- I’ve found that when someone wants me to make a decision on the spot, putting the onus back on him or her potentially creates a default no. I will often ask them to email me their request. Often they never do which becomes the default no.
- Simply and kindly say, “No” and if possible explain why.
- Sometimes you immediately know you should say no. In that case, a firm but gracious no is appropriate. It may feel awkward, but that uncomfortable emotion will quickly pass. However, if you say yes when you should have said no, the feelings of regret last much longer and take a much greater toll, notwithstanding the extra time you’ve now committed yourself to.
Some time back I read the book by Greg McKeown, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less. I highly recommend it. In a chapter where he writes about saying no, he describes how Peter Drucker once said no. It’s a great example of the graceful no. I’ve quoted it here.
Peter Drucker, in my view the father of modern management thinking, was also a master of the art of the graceful no. When Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the Hungarian professor most well known for his work on “flow,” reached out to interview a series of creative individuals for a book he was writing on creativity, Drucker’s response was interesting enough to Mihaly that he quoted it verbatim: “I am greatly honored and flattered by your kind letter of February 14th— for I have admired you and your work for many years, and I have learned much from it. But, my dear Professor Csikszentmihalyi, I am afraid I have to disappoint you. I could not possibly answer your questions. I am told I am creative— I don’t know what that means.… I just keep on plodding.… I hope you will not think me presumptuous or rude if I say that one of the secrets of productivity (in which I believe whereas I do not believe in creativity) is to have a VERY BIG waste paper basket to take care of ALL invitations such as yours— productivity in my experience consists of NOT doing anything that helps the work of other people but to spend all one’s time on the work the Good Lord has fitted one to do, and to do well.”
A true Essentialist, Peter Drucker believed that “people are effective because they say no.”
[Mckeown, Greg (2014-04-15). Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less (pp. 135-136). Crown Religion/Business/Forum. Kindle Edition.]
What insights have you learned about giving a graceful, “No”?
I strongly believe in coaching, a process that intentionally invites a wise person to speak truth into another. I’ve been coached by Lance Witt, founder of Replenish Ministries and author of two great books, High Impact Teams and Replenish. We met via FaceTime each month and that hour was worth gold. One week we discussed several topics and these gems of wisdom rose to the top. I’ve put them into my own words.
- Overworked schedules lead to underwhelmed souls.
- When we don’t keep healthy margin in our lives, our souls will shrink.
- When we pastors get wounded, we must own those wounds and not let them get infected through bitterness and unforgiveness.
- You will get hurt in ministry and as an old saying goes, “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” What we do with our wounds is our responsibility. Wounds need healing and to a great degree we control that healing process. We can encourage the healing or we can allow those wounds to fester. Given time, as we cooperate with the Holy Spirit, He will heal us. The scars may remain but the wounds get healed.
- Our current church culture sets up 100’s of pastors to struggle with pride and 10,000 pastors to struggle with failure.
- This insight refers to the challenge pastors face when they realize they won’t pastor a large church. Speakers at most church conferences are pastors of large churches and it’s tempting to feel like a failure when we compare our smaller church to the really big ones.
- When you finish a staff meeting, make sure everyone understands what decisions you made and what are still discussions.
- Often staff meetings end with fuzziness about decisions. This practice, however, can help us intentionally keep clear about actual decisions we make in contrast to ongoing discussions.
- When you finish a staff meeting, make clear who needs to know the decisions you made.
- Related to number 4, this practice reinforces our need to communicate, communicate, communicate.
As leaders we all face the challenge to choose the right priorities, work on our weaknesses, and wisely manage our time. Once in a conversation with leaders this phrase stood out. “Just because we may have the competency to develop new competencies, should we?”
In other words, how can we discern when to give time, resources, and attention to learning something new, working on a personal deficit, or developing a new skill or competency? Consider these questions as you discern a potential new direction.
Before I suggest a few questions, it’s worth noting that in the last few years some influential movements have arisen that bear upon this question.
- The simplicity movement in the church (i.e., Thom Rainer’s book Simple Church)
- Focusing on your strengths (Gallup’s 30 year strength’s based research resulting in the popular book Strengths Based Leadership)
- Positive psychology (psychological interventions that focus not so much on our problems, but upon the good stuff in our lives)
As I’m closing in on my 64 year mark, I realize that I don’t have the energy I did when I was thirty, and that as I age, my brain simply slows down. Actually, we begin to lose brain cells beginning in our mid-twenties, a sobering thought. So, I must wisely manage my energy, time, and passion to focus on that which I believe God wants me to accomplish in my final decades.
So the next time you consider giving significant time to a new project, addressing a personal weakness, or developing a new competency, ask yourself these questions.
- Would this choice reinforce my God-given strengths and gifts?
- Would it increase my potential to maximize Kingdom impact?
- Does it fit within my life purpose? If you are not clear on your life purpose and personal values, this blog shows you how to create them.
- Am I doing it because I’m trying to please somebody? For in-depth practical help on avoiding unhealthy people pleasing, you can check out my book on the subject here.
- Have I carefully considered the trade-offs? Everything we add to our plate means something else has to go.
So the next time you must decide whether or not to develop a new competency or take on something new, let these questions guide your decision making.
What has helped you determine what you should add to your plate?