My wife and I have 3 grown kids. One has survived a brain tumor, one was a straight arrow, and one was a challenge. My oldest daughter Heather (our challenge) even co-wrote a book with me about the experience in our family called Daughters Gone Wild-Dads Gone Crazy.
I’ve excerpted 5 insights from our book about how to keep your family intact in the pressure-cooker of ministry.
1. Resist turning words into weapons.
Heather got me so angry that at times I said some things I wish I had never said. I wish I could have taken back some of those angry words as the Bible tells us. Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing (Prov. 12.18 (NIV-G/K). One psychologist suggested that we wait 30 seconds before responding in an angry situation.
2. Stoke the relationship fire with your children to keep the relationship alive.
If you’ve ever gone camping, to keep the fire going you must stoke it by stirring the embers. Often when I was hurt so much I had to make a conscious choice to reach out to her in tangible ways to let her know that I loved her. Just small things like simple grace gifts kept the relationship alive. Although I stumbled often, Heather later wrote us a letter that really touched our hearts. Here’s what she said.
“Thank you for never closing your heart to me. I wouldn’t be what I am now if you had…I always felt the love of God from you…through your unrelenting pursuit of me in my times of darkness, through your never giving up on me, through everything you did for me in spite of how horrible I was..that’s how God loves us.”
3. No matter how much your children may hurt you, never close your heart to them.
At times I felt like giving up on her. But by God’s grace, I kept my heart open to her. I’m glad I did because I got to experience the fruit of reconciliation later.
4. Keep a good sense of humor.
Sometimes you simply must laugh between the tears. One night Heather showed up at 4 in the morning as we caught her climbing into the window on the biggest day of the church year, Easter Sunday. I had to keep a sense of humor to keep from killing her.
5. Choose your battles carefully and lose some on purpose.
Some battles with your children are not worth the fight. On biblical/moral/ethical values, stand your ground. On personal preferences, it’s worth losing some of those. Dress, a clean room, and some music choices are personal preferences. I love what one parent advised, “If you can cut it off, wash it out, or grow it out, don’t sweat it.”
What have you learned that has helped you keep your family intact?