The Moody Leader: 4 Reasons NOT to be One

Churches, non-profits, and businesses require emotionally healthy and aware leaders. While competency, good management skills, and vision casting ability certainly matter, research now shows that emotional intelligence (EQ) profoundly impacts leadership effectiveness as well. One aspect of EQ, knowing our emotions, reinforces the idea that leaders must never be moody ones. Neuroscience gives us four reasons why.

Range of Emotions - Mad to Happy

Before I list the reasons why leaders should never be moody, here’s how I describe a moody leader.

  • Employes and followers aren’t sure what kind of mood he will bring to work.
  • When he feels anxious, which is often, he’s short with others and demanding.
  • He thrives on drama in the workplace.
  • He lacks self-awareness of how he comes across when he’s emotional.

So, here’s how neuroscience informs us about the downsides of moody leaders.

  1. Emotional contagion. Emotional contagion is the term that describes how others catch our emotions. If a leader is often moody, sour, or negative, that attitude will permeate that organization or church. I was once treated very rudely when I ordered a hamburger and fries at a hamburger joint. A few minutes later the cook yelled at the person who waited on me. At that point I realized who actually waited on me, the owner of the restaurant. His employees had ‘caught’ his bad attitude. I never returned.
  2. Uncertainty. Our brains don’t like uncertainty. When we sense it (“I wonder what kind of mood the boss will be in today?”), it sets up an avoidance response in us. Or flight-fight-freeze-appease center (the limbic system) ratchets up which results in fear, less team cooperation, and less creativity in the workplace. Moody leaders infuse uncertainty into the workplace. (My blog here describes our brain’s 3 leadership systems we should be aware of.)
  3. Mirror neurons. Mirror neurons are a specialized group of brain cells that cause us to mimic goal directed behavior. For example, when we see someone yawn or smile, we tend to subconsciously yawn or smile. But such behavior is not limited to yawns and smiles. If a leader constantly frowns or furrows his brow in a disapproving way, it sets a negative tone in the workplace or the church. Yet, genuine smiles can do the opposite by encouraging a positive, productive work setting.
  4. Theory of mind. Theory of mind is a concept that says our minds can somewhat intuit what others are thinking and feeling. Although not mind reading, the process called mentalizing, helps us understand another’s mental states. Mentalizing helps us imagine and interpret their needs, desires, feelings, and goals. When a leader brings moodiness into relationships, he inadvertently leads others to intuit negative intents, purposes, or desires which that leader probably does not want his followers or employees to think or believe.

So you can see that moody leadership does not contribute to healthy teams, trust, creativity, leadership effectiveness, or cooperation.

If you think you may be a moody leader, ask someone who truly cares about you to gently remind you when you start acting moody.

Related posts:

The Dumbest Mistake I Ever Made as a Pastor

On the whole, I believe pastors are a pretty smart bunch. We earn advanced degrees, study biblical languages, go to conferences to learn, and constantly challenge our brains when we prepare messages and talks. I’ve earned two theology degrees and consider myself a relatively smart guy. But, brain smarts won’t guarantee ministry fruitfulness. Our walk with Christ fundamentally matters. And how we manage relationships probably ranks second in influence. As I look back over my 34 years in ministry, I realize I repeatedly made this one really dumb mistake in the relationship area.

Smart Vs Dumb - Choose Intelligence Over Ignorance

I hid out.

I don’t mean that I intentionally hid from people. But I isolated myself too much from staff and people in the church. I didn’t make myself visible enough.

  • In one church my office was the furtherest away from everybody else. And I stayed in it way too long during work hours. I seldom came out of the office.
  • In that same church I didn’t emerge from my office until three minutes before the Sunday service.
  • In another church as a low level associate, I would never meet with anyone unless they made an appointment several days in advance. This practice certainly may be necessary for the lead pastor of a large church, but not for my role at the time, my first full time position.

Since those early years, I think I’ve grown up and become much wiser. Most church people (and staff) recognize that lead pastors are busy. Yet, they want to feel they have some connection to him or her. They don’t want to feel we are always in a rush to be somewhere else.

I now recognize that my visible presence matters greatly. And I don’t mean that we should make ourselves 24/7 accessible. We, too, must keep healthy margins. But, church people and staff need relational touches. Even small ones matter.

Here are changes I’ve made to help me be less of a ‘hider.’

  1. When I’m not preaching on a Sunday, I visit the kid’s areas, poke my head in each classroom, and thank the leaders. I don’t just sit in my office and read (which I enjoy doing).
  2. Before each Sunday service I intentionally finish my prayer time with an elder 10-15 minutes prior to the service start time so I can shake people’s hands and chat.
  3. I ask an elder to close out each service in prayer and just prior to that as I share some final comments, I explain that I will be at the welcome center after the service and would like to meet new people.
  4. I more often manage staff using the MBWA technique, Management By Walking Around. Although I still keep my door closed to minimize interruptions, I intentionally break throughout the day and wander around to touch base with staff.
  5. When I talk to a staff person during the week or a church person on Sundays, I try to give them my full presence through eye contact and genuine listening. Even a minute or two ‘fully present’ interaction can make a positive deposit into the souls of others.

I’m much wiser now and hope that going forward I won’t make as many dumb mistakes as I did when I was younger.

What’s the dumbest mistake you’ve every made as a pastor?

Related posts:

How to Discover Your True North Values

Every leader should be clear on his or hear true north values. Such values aren’t the essential values every believer should embrace like keeping the ten commandments, obeying the golden rule, or living out Jesus’ great command and great commission. Rather they are more nuanced ones that deep down capture the essence of the real you. These values should so infuse our souls that nothing external can cause us to compromise them. Granted, they might be aspirational, ones not yet fully developed. Nevertheless, they would describe the authentic, Christ-honoring you to which you aspire. Here’s a way to discover them.

true versus false dilemma concept compass  isolated on white bac

3 initial steps to prepare:

  1. Seek input: Ask a few close friends, co-workers, and/or family members to write their response to this question. In your experience with me, what do you see are my core strengths, passions, gifts, and competencies?
  2. Plan a personal retreat: Block out a full half-day mini-retreat in your schedule to be alone. Better yet, schedule an overnight retreat for even more time to discern your values. Bring your Bible, pen, paper, and your computer. Also, bring any personality or leadership inventories you may have taken, as well as the above feedback from your friends and family.
  3. Pray: Recruit two or three prayer partners who will pray for you as you seek God’s will about your values.

Steps for your discernment retreat:

At your discernment retreat, you’ll notice eight parts to include. If you’ve scheduled a half-day, you can plan for about 30 minutes for each part. If you’ve scheduled an overnight retreat, you’ll probably want to take an hour or so for each part. The goal for each step is to create a list of ten or less themes, words, or concepts for each category. Then you’ll combine them into your final list.

  1. Delights: Ask yourself, “What truly delights me? What do I love doing? What do I do that I enjoy so much that I seem to lose track of time when I do it?” Write down less than ten thoughts and ideas on a piece of paper.
  2. Past: Think over your past. Write down answers to these questions.
    1. When you were a kid, what was fun? Where did you get your joy? What did you like doing more than anything else? What themes do see emerging?
    2. Move now to high school and then to college and ask the same questions.
    3. Combine your themes into a list of not more than ten.
  3. Peak Performance: Think now of when you are at your best. Write down your answers to these questions.
    1. Think of peak moments in your life or career, those moments when you feel that you did your very best work or made your greatest contribution or difference. Why were those peak moments? What was true about you? What was ignited in your soul? Do you see any themes emerging?
    2. Last week when were you at your best? Why?
    3. Last month when were you at your best? Why?
    4. Last year when were you at your best? Why?
    5. Approach this from the opposite direction. When are you not at your best?
    6. List words that describe you when you were at your best in your peak moments from your exercises above. List no more than 20. Now narrow that list to no more than 10. Play with those words a while until you get colorful, descriptive words that describe you when you are at your best.
  4. Heroes: Think of those in your past or present that you’d consider your heroes.
    1. What qualities about them prompted you to put them on your list?
    2. Narrow those qualities down to less than 10.
  5. Input from others: Look at the answers to the questions you posed to your co-workers, friends, and family. Make a list of themes, less than ten, that stand out from their comments.
  6. Scripture: Write down the key scriptures or Bible characters that have meant the most to you in your life. Create a list of less than ten themes from those verses and characters.
  7. Inventories:If you brought any personality inventories, make a list of less than ten themes you see from them.
  8. Values list: Finally, look at this list of words/phrases. Circle ten or less that resonate most with you. You may start with a longer list and then pare it down to less than 10.

Creativity   Accomplishment   Accuracy   Acknowledgment   Adventure 
 Aesthetics   Authenticity   Beauty   Balance   Challenge   Collaboration   Community   Compassion   Competition   Comradeship   Connectedness   Contribution   Directness   Diversity Diligence   Elegance   Empowerment   Excellence
   Fast pace   Focus
   Forward the action   Free spirit
   Freedom to choose   Full   Fun   Growth   Harmony   Health   Honesty   Humor
  Independence   Integrity   Joy
   Knowledge   Lack of pretense   Leadership   Lightness   Nurturing   Orderliness   Participation   Partnership   Peace   Performance   Personal power   Physical challenge   Precision   Productivity   Recognition   Reflective   Risk taking   Romance   Safety   Self-Expression   Service   Sensitive   Spirituality   Success   To be known   Tradition
   Trust   Variety   Vitality   Wisdom   Zest

Combine and reduce themes to 10 or less: So by now you have eight lists of ten or less themes/words per list. You’ve done a lot of great work. Now it’s time to prayerfully begin combining the lists into one final list of ten or so words and phrases. That final list will give you a great idea about your unique true north values. Wordsmith that final list into phrases or concepts that resonate with you.

Add key scriptures if you want. Prayerfully commit to the Lord to live out these values. Ask Him to help you hone them the rest of your life.

Finally, record these in a way that will remind you to often revisit them. Print them and put them in your bible, on the refrigerator, or store them in a computer file that you review regularly.

What has helped you discover your true north values?

Related Posts:

Taken with permission from People Pleasing Pastors: Avoiding the Pitfalls of Approval Motivated Leadership, IVP, 2014, Charles Stone.

11 Traits of a Foolish Pastor

When you think of a ‘fool’ often a humorous movie character comes to mind like the Three Stooges, Don Knotts, or Jerry Lewis. But Proverbs gives a different slant on a fool. We are to avoid them, not argue with them, or refuse to employ them. Proverbs describes fools as unwise, unteachable, proud, and blinded to their foolishness. But can pastors sometimes act like fools? I think so. Consider these 11 traits of a foolish pastor.

Making faces
  1. Foolish pastors live in a black or white world.
    Very little is gray for them.
  2. Foolish pastors think they have all the answers. Because of their education, experience, or “God’s anointing,” they believe God made them the repository of all correct answers and good ideas.
  3. Foolish pastors are blind to their own weaknesses. When someone tries to help them see their blind spots they often respond with, “Yea, but….” They seldom receive correction well. They give an excuse for everything.
  4. Foolish pastors shift blame and minimize responsibility instead of owning up to their mistakes and errors of judgment. They often defensively react.
  5. Foolish pastors take credit instead of giving credit to others. 
  6. Foolish pastors see themselves as victims… of misunderstanding from others (they just don’t know what it’s like being a pastor), a bad church situation, or a resistant board they inherited when they came to their church.
  7. Foolish pastors think they deserve special treatment like discounts at stores or deference from others because of their position.
  8. Foolish pastors resist accountability. They like to make their own loosey-goosey schedule. Since they are “always on” they justify not keeping a reasonable office schedule.
  9. On the other hand, some foolish pastors think they are at the beckoned call of everyone in the church. They take pride in being available to others 24/7. Unfortunately, their family and personal life suffers.
  10. Foolish pastors don’t see how they suck the life from others with their demands, passive aggressiveness, or whiney attitudes.
  11. Foolish pastors ultimately flame out, burn out, or compromise their morals and integrity. They simply will not last in ministry.

Fortunately, I’ve only met a few foolish pastors. One foolish pastor I knew destroyed two churches, his marriage, and sullied the reputations of the good pastors in his community (guilt by association).

Most pastors are men and women of integrity who sacrifice greatly for a call greater than themselves.

I applaud you.

I love you and hope my blogs and books encourage you.

But…if you are a foolish pastor, please turn from your foolish ways and find someone who will help you before it’s too late.

What are some other traits you’ve seen in foolish pastors?

Related posts:

When you Feel Beaten Up

Life and ministry can sometimes beat you up. And when that happens, we don’t need a kick, we need a lift. Read a part of this old children’s story first published in 1922 and be encouraged. They are wise words offered by the Skin Horse to the Velveteen Rabbit taken from the book, The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams.

small bunny soft toy withdaisy flowers, Author's work with prope

The Skin Horse had lived longer in the nursery than any of the others. He was so old that his brown coat was bald in patches and showed the seams underneath, and most of the hairs in his tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces. He was wise, for he had seen a long succession of mechanical toys arrive to boast and swagger, and by-and-by break their mainsprings and pass away, and he knew that they were only toys, and would never turn into anything else.

For nursery magic is very strange and wonderful, and only those playthings that are old and wise and experienced like the Skin Horse understand all about it.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit. “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse.

“You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

If you’re going through a tough time and feel shabby and it seems like your eyes are dropping out, remember the wise words of the Skin Horse. Once you are real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand. 

Remember, no matter how you feel, God sees you not as bruised and broken baggage, but as a beloved child of God, cherished and accepted beyond measure.

Related posts:

  • 8 Ways to Bust Leadership Discouragement
  • How to Make a Pastor’s Job Joyful