How to be a Likable Leader

Great leaders lead by influence. Their character, competencies, and relational skills or lack there of, can determine their leadership effectiveness. And as a pastor, perhaps my relational skills influence my leadership impact the most. Integral to relational skills is the vibe others feel from us. If someone feels like you like him or her, they’re more likely to respond positively to your leadership. If they don’t, and enough people feel the same way, your leadership will suffer. Consider these simple ways to become a likable leader.

like as friend

Several times the Bible characterizes an individual or group as having a refreshing spirit.

1Cor. 16.18 For they refreshed my spirit and yours also. 
2Cor. 7.13 By all this we are encouraged. In addition to our own encouragement, we were especially delighted to see how happy Titus was, because his spirit has been refreshed by all of you. 
2Tim. 1.16   May the Lord show mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, because he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains. 
Philem. 7 Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints.

You’ve probably met people like that. Even after a short conversation with such a person, you walk away feeling special, encouraged, and refreshed. My wife is one of those people who naturally does that. She has the gift of giving others soul refreshment.

So, how can we become more likable and thus refresh the spirits of others?

1. Be fully present with others.

It’s easy as a pastor, or as anyone who deals with people in public, to skim conversations in order to make connections with the maximum number of people. However, when we don’t look people in the eye and our eyes wander to the person just behind or beside them, it conveys a wrong message. Appearing distracted also conveys the wrong message. I suggest focusing on the quality of public interactions rather than on quantity which requires our being fully present.

2. Show interest in a person’s personal life.

Remembering names has always challenged me. I still must work hard to remember them. Yet when I use a person’s name in a conversation, it means a lot to him or her. And when I remember something personal about another and ask about it, that simple act of remembering deposits lots of refreshment into his or her soul.

3. Watch your body language.

Sometimes I can appear hurried when I’m talking to someone. I’m often in the ‘ready’ position to move on. That’s a soul refreshment drainer. But, when I face someone, slightly lean forward, and empathetically listen, that person feels honored and truly listened to. A smiling countenance will also make a great deposit. Body language communicates as much or more than our words.

4. Be your authentic self.

To create a likable persona does not mean we become an extrovert when we are actually an introvert. Neither does it mean the opposite. It means that we relate to people with our true, authentic selves. People will sense a fake and they’ll sense when you are being you as well. However, being your authentic self does not mean we don’t practice and continue to grow in our relational skill set. Although I’m basically an introvert, I’ve learned much from my wife as she is an extrovert with great people skills. I’m still an introvert by nature, but by God’s grace, He continues to build into me important people skills.

What qualities have you seen in likable leaders?

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How to Make a Pastor’s Job Joyful

As a pastor for 33 years, I’ve experienced the ups and downs ministry brings. Sometimes it seems like I’m on an emotional high after a baptism service, a breakthrough elders’ meeting, or a powerful worship service. Other times I’ve had to battle thoughts of giving up when I receive several critical emails in one week, a staff member is consistently underperforming and I need to confront him, or when it seems like the ministry has hit a lid. However, I believe one thing makes a pastor’s job most joyful. See if you agree.

Beautiful smiling cute baby

In the most intimate of the Apostle Paul’s New Testament letters, Philippians, he gives us a clue to what can make a pastor’s job most joyful. He writes this phrase in Philippians 2.16 … in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.

William Barclay explains the meaning of this verse when he says that Paul uses a term for an athlete who trains. No athlete wants his training to fail. He wants to win the race for which he’s training. So, Paul prays that he may not be like an athlete whose training and effort have gone for nothing. For him the greatest prize in life was to know that through him others had come to know and to love and to serve Jesus Christ. [Barclay, W. (Ed.). (1975). The letters to the Philippians, Colossians, and Thessalonians (electronic ed., pp. 45–46). Philadelphia: The Westminster John Knox Press.]

In other words, when Paul came to the end of his life, he would not want his sacrifice and service to have been a waste. He is telling the church at Philippi that they bring him the greatest joy when they love God and love others well.

When Christians truly love God and others, it minimizes crabbiness, critical spirits, and nitpicky preferences. It prompts believers to willing give of their time, talent, and treasures. More people extend grace when things don’t go their way in the church. And, by the way, the opposite should hold true as well. When we pastors love God and love others well, we extend those same graces to people in our churches.

So how can we encourage our church to make our job joyful and in doing so fulfill Hebrews 13. 17 which says, Contribute to the joy of their leadership, not its drudgery? (Message) Consider these suggestions.

1. Model the behavior and attitude you hope those in your church will live out. We can’t live by another standard. Neither can we expect others to do what we are unwilling to do ourselves.

2. At appropriate times (not when you’re mad at somebody), include this concept in your teaching and preaching. I recently taught Philippians 2 which made it natural to broach the topic.

3. Tell stories of church people who live out godly character and conduct. People emulate what you publicly honor.

4. Thank people when they live out the values that bring you joy. Express it privately and publicly.

What has brought you the greatest joy in ministry? How can you encourage church people to do it more, without becoming self-serving?

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Mark Driscoll, and why Every Pastor Should be Taken Down

Last week the Acts 29 Network dismissed from its membership Seattle mega-church pastor Mark Driscoll and his church Mars Hill Church and asked for his resignation as pastor. This came as several controversies came to light about Mark and his church. Mars Hill’s accountability board countered with a statement of frustration that apparently that board had failed to personally contact Mark and Mars Hill’s board before making their dismissal public. This news has become fodder for bloggers, resulted in some bookstores refusing to sell Mark’s books, fomented demonstrations in front of the church, and even hit the New York Times. I don’t know Mark personally, but this brouhaha has reminded me that every pastor should be taken down. Here’s what I mean and why it should matter.

Arrow down on red

I’m fascinated with survival stories, maybe because I’m a pastor and sometimes leading a church requires great survival skills. This survival story illustrates why every pastor must be taken down, or put into different words, why we must take ourselves down.

I recently read the 1988 book Touching the Void about two mountain climbers successful yet disastrous climb of the 20,813 foot Siula Grande in the Peruvian Andes in 1985. One climber broke his leg on the way down. In the other climber’s attempt to lower his injured friend, he was forced to cut the rope that was suspending the injured climber over a cliff in mid-air. If he hadn’t, they both would have fallen to their deaths.

When the line snapped, the injured climber fell 150 feet into a crevasse, almost always guaranteeing certain death. Miraculously, he landed on a small ledge inside the crevasse and survived. Although he had rope with him, his broken leg prevented him from climbing out of the crevasse. And the next day his fellow climber assumed he had died.

In excruciating pain he faced three choices. He could commit quick suicide and roll off the ledge. He could stay on the ledge and slowly die from hypothermia. Or he could take the risky choice and lower himself further into the crevasse hoping to touch bottom, not knowing how deep the crevasse was. He could possibly run out of rope on the way down and die anyway, freezing to death as he dangled in mid-air.

He made the third, risky choice, and rapalled himself down into the darkness. Miraculously he was able to lower himself onto on a snow bridge. He then pulled himself out of the crevasse as he found a more gentle grade and literally crawled back to camp, dragging his broken leg behind him.

The only way he was able to survive was by going down. He went down so he could go up.

Jesus Himself embodied that principle: the only way up is to go down. The Apostle Paul wrote these profound words in Philippians that captures what Jesus did and what we should also do.

5   Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:  6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,  7 but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death — even death on a cross!  9 Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name,  10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,  11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. (Philippians 2.5-9, NIV)

Jesus went down to become a humble servant, ultimately going to the cross for our sins. And God promised that because Jesus did this, He would lift him up. God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name. (verse 9)

So, as I read the charges and counter-charges about Pastor Mark, my heart grieves that church leaders are being hurt, church people are being hurt, the Church itself is taking a hit, and spiritual seekers are saying, “See, I told you so. I don’t want anything to do with that kind of stuff (Christianity).”

Even in my sorrow, I’m learning this lesson. I must never use my ministry to glorify myself or seek personal gain. I must seek God inspired humility. I must live a life that offers as much grace to others as I have received. I must remain accountable.

And most of all, I must remember the principle illustrated in the life of Jesus: if you want to go up, you must first go down.

That’s why I believe every pastor needs to be taken down…down the road of humble service, grace-filled relating, and deep gratitude that we get to do what we do.

8 Benefits of Silence and Solitude in a Leader’s Life

We leaders live in a world that bombards us with incessant visual stimuli and noise. And it’s easy to become addicted to such noise without even realizing it. Our so called time saving technology such as smart phones and high speed internet access relentlessly remind us that we can get more done in less time so we have more time to get even more done. As a result we are addicted not only to noise, but to hurry. As John Ortberg writes, “Hurry is not just a disordered schedule. Hurry is a disordered heart.”[1] Leaders desperately need what the ancients called silence and solitude to help us lead at our best. I suggest 8 benefits of building this discipline into your life.

solitude2

John Ortberg tells a delightful story in Leadership Journal that describes how a pastor or a leader’s life can sometimes get out of whack.

Some time ago, a newspaper in Tacoma, Washington, carried the story of Tattoo the basset hound. Tattoo didn’t intend to go for an evening run, but when his owner shut his leash in the car door and took off for a drive with Tattoo still outside the vehicle, he had no choice.

Motorcycle officer Terry Filbert noticed a passing vehicle with something dragging behind it, “the basset hound picking them up and putting them down as fast as he could.” He chased the car to a stop, and Tattoo was rescued, but not before the dog had reached a speed of 20-25 miles per hour, rolling over several times.

Leaders often live like Tattoo, our days mark by picking them up and putting them down as fast as we can.

Hurry and noise and incessant busyness are enemies of a healthy spiritual life.

I can attest to that. Yet, God does not want us to be controlled by nor conform to the noisy, hurried life that our culture and churches often push us towards. Some of the greatest spiritual leaders and influencers of the past said much about this practice.

Henri Nowen, who taught at Harvard, Yale and Notre Dame, and wrote 20 books said, “Without (silence and solitude) it is virtually impossible to live a spiritual life.”[2] He also wrote, “It is a good discipline to wonder in each new situation if people wouldn’t be better served by our silence than by our words.”
 (The Way of the Heart)

The late Dallas Willard wrote, “(this one) is generally the most fundamental in the beginning of the spiritual life, and it must be returned to again and again as that life develops.”[3]

Blaise Pascal, the scientist and Christian thinker of the 1600′s wrote, “I have discovered that all the unhappiness of men arises from one single fact, that they are unable to stay quietly in their own room.”[4]

Austin Phelps, a pastor in the 1800′s noted, “It has been said that no great work in literature or in science was ever wrought by a man who did not love solitude. We may lay it down as an elemental principle of religion, that no large growth in holiness was ever gained by one who did not take time to be often long alone with God.”[5]

The Bible also speaks often on silence and solitude.

  • There is. . . a time to be silent … (Ecc 3.7)
  • Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few. (Ecc 5.2)
  • Be still, and know that I am God…” (Ps 46.10)
  • Moses and Paul, some of the most recognized figures in history were transformed in times of extended solitude.
  • Jesus lived in a world of inner solitude and frequently experienced outer solitude. He was busy but was never in a hurry. Silence and solitude was Jesus place of strength.
    • Before he began his public ministry he spent 40 days in silence and solitude. (Lk 4)
    • Before he chose the 12, (He) spent the night praying to God.(Lk 6)
    • When he heard of John the Baptist’s death …he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. (Matt 14.13)
    • After feeding 5000 …He went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone. (Mt 14.23)
    • He often… withdrew to lonely places and prayed. (Lk 5.16)

Before I suggest 8 benefits, here’s a quick definition of each, as they are both cousins to each other. They both go hand in hand and without silence, solitude has little effect. In essence they are practices of NOT doing something–not interacting with society and people–withdrawing from human contact, voice, noise, phone, tv, radio, newspaper, etc… for a few minutes or a few days. The following definitions combine thoughts of Dallas Willard, John Ortberg, and Richard Foster. When I speak of silence and solitude below, I will speak of them as one thing.

  • Solitude: The practice of temporarily being absent from other people (in isolation or anonymity) and other things so that you can be present with God. Its not loneliness nor is it getting away from people just because we don’t like them. It’s more about what we do with our bodies.
  • Silence: The practice of voluntarily and temporarily abstaining from speaking so that certain spiritual goals might be sought. It’s about what we do with our tongues, what we say.

Silence and solitude is a tool God uses to restore our souls by breaking engagements with the world. It is really more of a state of heart than a place. Granted, it does include awayness from others, but as you mature you can even be in a huge crowd and experience the rejuvenating power it offers. On the other hand you can become a hermit and never experience its power.

Here are 8 practical benefits of silence and solitude.

1. It (they) break the power of hurry, our addiction to a ‘have-to-do-this’ mentality.

 Willard explains it this way. The person who is capable of doing nothing might be capable of refraining from doing the wrong thing. And then perhaps he or she would be better able to do the right thing.[6]

It helps create an inner space for us to become aware of what we are doing and are about to do.

2. It helps renew our souls. 

Francis de Sales who in the late 1500’s developed sign language to teach deaf about God wrote, “There is no clock, no matter how good it may be, that doesn’t need resetting and rewinding twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening. In addition, at least once a year it must be taken apart to remove the dirt clogging it, straighten out bent parts, and repair those worn out. In like manner, every morning and evening a man who reallly takes care of his heart must rewind it for God’s service . . . Moreover, he must often reflect on his conditon in order to reform and improve it. Finally, at least once a year he must take it apart and examine every piece in detail, that is every affection and passion, in order to repair whatever defects there may be.[7]

The Bible speaks pointedly to this idea.

  • Be silent before the Lord God! (Zeph 1.7)
  • My soul, wait in silence for God only, for my hope is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I shall not be shaken. (Ps 62.5-6)
  • For thus the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, has said, ‘In repentance and rest you shall be saved, in quietness and trust is your strength.’ (Is 30.15)

3. It reminds us that life will still go on without us

It interrupts the cycle of constantly having to manage things and be in control. It breaks us from a sense of being indispensable.

4. It clears the storm of life and mind for wise decision making and planning.

Luke 6:12-13 tells us that Jesus spend time in silence and solitude when deciding whom to choose as the disciples who would travel with Him. And it was at this time that He went off to the mountain to pray, and He spent the whole night in prayer to God. And when day came, He called His disciples to Him; and chose twelve of them, whom He also named as apostles.

 5. It creates inner space to hear the voice of God.

God spoke to the prohet Elijah right after he had come from a power encounter with the Baal worshippers on Mount Carmel. He had fled because he heard that Queen Jezebel had placed a price on his head. He hid in a cave and God asked him what he was doing there. Then God told him to leave the cave and that He would speak to him. Elijah saw a storm and then wind and then an earthquake and then fire. Yet God was not in any of those. Rather, God spoke in a gentle whisper (1 Kings 19.2).

We are usually surrounded by so much outer noise that it is hard to truly hear God when he is speaking to us.[8] Silence and solitude frees us from life’s preoccupations so we can hear God’s voice.

6. It allows us to disconnect from the world and deeply connect with our soul.

Henry Nouwen said, “In solitude, I get rid of my scaffolding.” And what is scaffolding? It’s the stuff we use to keep ourselves propped up be it friends, family, tv, radio, books, job, technology, work, achievement, our bank account, etc.[9]

 7. It helps us control our tongue

James 1.19 says, My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry….

Silence and solitude can free us from the tyranny we can hold over others with our words. When we are silent and yield to the advice in James, it becomes more difficult to manipulate and control the people and circumstances around us. When we practice silence we lay down the weapons of words. It often reminds us that we don’t need to say as much as we think we do. We find that God can manage situations just fine without our opinions on the subject.

 8. It helps us with the other disciplines

When we include silence an solitude it enriches prayer, Bible reading, and fasting.

What would you add to this list of benefits of silence and solitude?

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References:

[1] John Ortberg, The Life You Always Wanted, p 84

[2] Richard Foster/James Smith, Devotional Classics, p 95

[3] Dallas Willard, The Spirit of the Disciplines, p 161

[4] Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy, p 358

[5] Whitney, spiritual disciplines, p 194

[6] Willard, The Divine Conspiracy p 359

[7] Ortberg, The Life You Always Wanted, p 94

[8] Foster, Devotional classics, p 95

[9] Ortberg, The Life You Always Wanted, p 92

What to Look for in a Good Friend

God made us to be in relationship with each other. We were made for community and we all want good friends. But what do good friends look like? What do they do or not do? In the most intimate of the 13 letters the Apostle Paul wrote that help form the New Testament, Philippians, we see a portrait of what to look for in a friend. Consider these 5 behaviors that a good friend will consistently live out and ask yourself if you model them as a friend yourself.

friendship dog and cat

In Philippians 1.3-11, Paul gives us this template for what good friends do. A good friend will…

  1. Remember the best in you (v. 3).
    • When Paul prayed for his friends in the church in the city of Philippi, his thoughts of them brought him great joy. He chose to focus on their good qualities, rather than upon  their limitations and weaknesses. He remembered their best.
    • What emotions and thoughts rise up in the minds of others when they think of you…joy, happiness, and peace or fear, worry, and anxiety?
  2. Give their best to you (v. 5, 7).
    • He said that he had them in his heart. He fully gave himself to them by giving them the deepest thing about himself, his heart. He used the word koinonia, which means deep partnership, as he described their strong, intimate relationship. Paul was not a relationship skimmer. Rather he gave himself fully to these special friends.
    • How would others describe you? A relationship skimmer or one who is willing to risk and go deep in friendships?
  3. Encourage the best in you (v. 6).
    • He was confident that God would finish the work that He had begun in them. He emphasized that truth and sought to bring out their best. Good friends will bring out your best. Liz Wizeman who studied 150 leaders and wrote Multipliers: How the Best Leaders Make Everyone Smarter discovered that there are two kinds of leaders: multipliers and diminishers. Multipliers bring out the best in others by amplifying their strengths, encouraging them, and empowering them. Diminishers do the opposite. They drain you by having all the answers, micro-managing, and being self focused. Good friends will always seek to be a multiplier in your life.
    • How would others describe you: as a multiplier or a diminisher?
  4. Pray the best for you (v. 9).
    • Paul fervently prayed for his friends. He prayed that they would love Jesus and others more, would learn more about God, and would live out the truths of God’s Word in their conduct and character. Good friends will pray that those three things will become reality in their friends.
    • When you last prayed for your friends, what did you pray for them about? 
  5. Expect the best from you (v. 10-11).
    • Good friends will hold you accountable. They will tell you what you may not want to hear because they will expect the best from you. They won’t let you settle for what is just ‘good.’ They will challenge you to do and be your best.
    • What friend in your life holds you accountable? Do you have a friend that knows you will expect the best from him or her?

Good friends are rare. But when God gives them to us, they are worth their weight in gold.

What question above most resonated with you? Is the Holy Spirit prompting you to become a better friend?

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